Half Life – 43 – which tree?
August 20th, 2021
The tall, pointed, poplar is the tree I’d choose to mark the spot. I think they’re called Lombardy poplars, with their slender branches reaching to the sky they make a statement and are easy to find in a field of trees, where each one marks where someone is buried. Even Older Boy, who has such a bad sense of direction he gets lost on his way to the toilet in the night, couldn’t fail to find it. A white poplar, with its fluffy white catkins, is also obvious enough to make sure it stands out if the tree police don’t let me have the taller one. The default option would be an oak, as long as it’s protected from ever being turned into furniture. Being part of a table and chair set is not the final resting place I would choose for my re-cycled molecules.
Providing clear instructions on what to do with your body is the second most important obligation for those with an appointment with death in the near future. The first, predictably, is to write a will and that was done some time ago. Working out what you want done with what’s left of you is not easy. It’s even more difficult when you have an imagination equivalent to living with an imp on your shoulder, whispering mischievous ideas into your ear. The temptation to have fun with your own mortal remains is hard to resist. Balancing amusement with practicality leads to an initial thought of being buried at sea, giving the family a refreshing day out with a purpose. It’s combines being achievable while, at the same time, being moderately annoying and something family and friends will be able to talk about for years. An attractive alternative is to be fired into the sky in an enormous rocketing firework, exploding over a field, and having my ashes rain down gently on the people below. Romantic, but landing on everyone’s clothes would result in most of my final resting place being the drycleaners. Since firing a whole body into the sky is never going to get permission it also requires prior cremation, and I’ve never liked that idea. Dull, hot, and a waste of good compostable material.
Having the body fed to tigers in London Zoo has a deep appeal and snuck into the top five possible options with ease. I’d be fine with people watching such a natural process, but not sure it’s something children should be invited to. There is bound to be some byelaw or minor regulation against feeding dead humans to tigers, even at their own request, and I’m too much of a coward to climb into their cage when still alive. Leading the table of the grotesque options is to have my head preserved in a glass jar of formaldehyde and placed on the mantlepiece so The Wife and The Boys can say hello every morning. Whole body preservation, with an artistic nod to Damien Hirst, is an alternative but the size of the tank needed, combined with the question about whether to be dressed or naked, pulls me back to preferring the head only option. A hybrid approach - head in the jar and body to the tigers – might be the way to go?
As no one will want bits of me to use as spare parts (too much already ruined by Nobby), medical science could only use me to allow aspiring doctors to chop up and dig out lumps of cancer for examination. Not a bad fate, although it still leaves the question of what happens to the dismembered mess once all the hacking and poking is over. Cremation seems to be the normal route and, even after entertaining young doctors, it’s still not attractive. Given the amount of pleasure I’ve already provided to the medical establishment while alive, I think they’ll have had enough of me by then anyway and turn down any offer to use my corpse.
It’s not just decisions about what to do with the skin, bones, and squashy bits once dead that have to be made in advance. There are multiple other items on the to do list of those who know they should prepare. Some of these are impossible to answer other than in a general way. It is hard to be certain, until you get there, if you don’t want to be resuscitated. It’s not a decision you can make when resuscitation is needed as talking is usually not happening at that point. Imagine being in the middle of providing deep insights on life to your children, being hit with death and, because of an instruction not to resuscitate given months earlier, never getting to finish your sentence! Painkillers are similar. In principle, when it gets to it, pump as many painkillers in as needed. However, they knock you out and the pain may go but the ability to enjoy a pain free world in your last days also gets removed. Importantly, in those final days washing down the tablets with a seriously good red burgundy or two is also needed. The unreasonable ban on alcohol in hospitals means that vital part of the final wish list could get overlooked. If forced into a choice between morphine and burgundy my preference is both.
Forcing the impish fantasies to one side, the idea of being buried in a field with a tree planted on top comes back as the most attractive idea. Research reveals it’s not only possible, but increasingly popular. A wicker or biodegradable cardboard coffin goes into the ground, the sapling goes on top, and nature does the rest. Being absorbed over time into something else living is a form of slow reincarnation that has deep appeal. In what will be the last sartorial decision I take there is a need to say what you’ll wear in the wicker box - natural fibres only, obviously. A suit is too formal and, given I am not expecting to meet anyone on the other side, unnecessary. If there is someone there, I doubt what I’m wearing will be the topic of conversation. Similarly, fully naked doesn’t appeal. In keeping with what became a default uniform in life, the choice has to be khaki chinos and a casual, dark blue, cotton shirt. No point in moving away from a classic at this late date. If The Wife or The Boys need a hug the’ll know where to come and which tree to cuddle. The tall, swaying, poplar, quietly using what was once me, feels like a perfect answer.
🥰so many emotions reading this. I love your mischievous imp! And I love trees-beautiful 🥰🥰 and we love you lot 😘
🌿🌳💕💕🥰