Half Life - 56 - winter is coming

Half Life – 56 – winter is coming

November 26th, 2021

It would be easy to allow gradual isolation to creep in, as the cold weather establishes itself and being wrapped up and snug indoors gains extra appeal. Worries about Covid, as well as flu and colds, adds to the reasoning that venturing outside is risky. Put chemo on top and it can start to be seen as a sensible decision. Afterall, hibernation is a well-established tradition in the animal world and joining the bears and hedgehogs in their long sleep has a serious attraction. I liked the idea when I was well and working for a living, in particular standing at a station at six in the morning as the icy wind blew up my too thin overcoat, freezing delicate body parts.

Cancelling or moving appointments to see people has been the unavoidable norm over the past weeks, both on-line chats and those dropping in for a coffee. Be it my own situation, or them having colds or worries about covid, virtually none of them have happened. Other than trips to hospitals and cancer clinics, I have not stepped out of the front or back door for several weeks. Admittedly, I spent one of those weeks not stepping out of the toilet door, and for other parts of the bad chemo weeks exhaustion meant any form of conversation was nearly impossible. Even with those taken into consideration, self-imposed isolation is not a healthy direction to be headed in.

Lives continue to whirl around me, as people work, manage their children, travel, and move forward as they should. There is a reassurance in hearing about how busy others are, even if I can’t be part of it. Christmas planning has started, with the premature November start supporting a view that last year’s subdued event has to be compensated for. The half-life cancer imposes, in contrast, is one of repetition, small achievements, and narrow horizons. You move from participation to observation, whether watching the change of the seasons through a window or interacting with the world via computer and phone screens. The world shrinks around you, the act of making toast for breakfast becomes a success in the way landing a large contract used to be. Getting downstairs and responding to emails is a major part of a day plan, as is trying to re-start writing the sequel to a book yet to see the light of day (but hopeful it will).

The positive part of living at a different speed is no longer having to deal with the bitching in the office, the need to pander to ridiculous ideas, and the ability to be more direct when the need arises without worrying too much who gets offended. Excessive exposure to the nonsense spoken by most politicians give reasons to rant at radio/TV in the full knowledge that JJ the dog neither understands nor cares. Her solution to all problems, to play with a toy or get to grips with a tennis ball, does have a simplicity which appeals.  It’s too easy to end up living in a fantasy world involving books and ancient television programmes, with re-runs of Inspector Morse currently featuring heavily when the tiredness makes TV one of the few options possible.

The risk of winter, combined with cancer’s tiny world, is that not only do people think I don’t want to see them or be in touch, but I start to turn myself into a hermit and drop out of contact with people. It can become a habit, convincing myself that filling the days with banal radio programmes, reading on-line newspapers, and following cancer research sites hoping for new breakthroughs or interesting developments, is sufficient. The lives and adventures of The Boys keep me entertained when they come home, as The Wife get out of the house by taking long walks with JJ the dog, new hobbies, and finding new places to have lunch with friends.

Something probably needs to change to prevent the hibernation instinct taking too firm a grip and convince my friends and family I am not completely anti-social and still love them, and to try to help my mental state by having more of a life outside the confines of a house. A determined effort to get out of the house is needed and, like many things in my life, it has to start with a list. I have started picking out possible places to go which can get me outdoors or, if indoors, sufficiently separate from crowds. The new trend not to wear masks is a shame, as it’s easy to do and helps not only cut down of covid but also other things flying about. With some concerted effort and cajoling from The Wife, trips out will start again soon. I might even get invited to have lunch.